finding-motivation

2008-09-20T03:07:00.000-07:00

i decided to use this blog for venting on. since, yeah, i pretty much can't be bothered about the background. and i'm getting really tensed up easily.i guess it's inner conflict. i'm getting pissed at myself. i think.. so i think that i'm at fault for not doing this and not doing that. but i also think she's at fault for not making an initiative to do anything either!in any relationship,it takes mutual parties to make it work. it really doesn't mean that it only applies to BG relationships.even friendship and kinship applies ok!and the truth is, i'm sick and tired of keeping a smile when i really want to scream my head off. and honestly, i can no longer say that i'm a straight-forward person since i'm suppressing everything i actually want to say just cause i don't want to hurt her feelings. then it makes me feel like an idiot. cause i'm actually suppressing whatever i want to say just so that she won't get hurt! BLOODY HELL!! this so isn't such a good time to have any type of conflict. not before O's. it's totally affecting my mood. forget it. i'm not going to care about this matter anymore. at least i know that she's hardly comforted me in times of trouble cause she's the type that hides everything to herself. sometimes i really feel like an idiot. well, i'd just like to say that i'm an idiot at handling such things sometimes but i'm not to the state of being a bitch. so i hope that you haven't judged me without even know how i feel about this matter.wait, have you ever known how i felt? sometimes i just need someone to hear me out. so all you have to do is hear me out!and you really need to change your mindset on things cause when there's a situation, you're always thinking that you're the victim. or at least i haven't once seen you shown signs of thinking for others first. WAKE UP! the world doesn't revolve around you and it never will! sometimes you have to just give in and stop being shallow. one day, maybe i'll tell you who you are. or maybe i'll let you learn about it yourself. Ps: your definition of hatred is definitely nowhere close to the world's. you should start counting yourself fortunate cause you saying you hate ______, makes the a lot of people feel like mourning.

2008-07-10T18:21:00.001-07:00

I'm having free period now! stupid la.i owe teachers so much work, i can't even figure out where i should start! many things have been happening recently, and i guess that it really changed my thinking.I can seriously look at myself and say,"hey, who care's about the old me? It's about now.what are you doing NOW?'(ok. i'm guilty for blogging instead of doing work.). Exciting week ahead!saturday, there'll be BBQ at grandma's. I can't wait for tuesday! Obviously not cause of listening comprehension. My brother's gonna be coming back from Australia!Although that also means that i have to pack up and move next door to my sister's room...
I'm kind of glad that my computer crashed. Although out of 5 free periods, i do spend 4 using the computer, i realised that i tend to open my books when i go home. I feel like as if it's God's way of saying," It's high time you started making friends with your books.."
'If there's a will, there's a way'not that i have a will, but God gave me a way. Recently, i've been able to know alot about God's unconditional love thanks to a group of nice people...what should i call them? the worship group!Since there hasn't been chapel, this group of people really helped me to realise that God is always with us. At least when i start to doubt myself, God will always be there to give me a light tap, to let me know myself and him better=)
That's all! i neeed to do physics. and i think that i'm gonna change blog skin soon..

2008-05-31T05:31:00.000-07:00

Haven't blogged in such a long time.Recently all the happenings around me have really changed me. I feel like as if i can't do it anymore. All that expectation. Sometimes i feel like asking myself,who am i? Everyone expects me to do something at a specific time.How do they see me as predictable while i myself can't know me?I can't believe i found it hard just describing myself with 3 words in the testimonial thingy. It made me realise how much i didn't know myself.i don't see any reason to smile anymore.It feels odd when you get woken up to realise how you hate yourself so much or even the world around you.You find yourself asking,"Where did you go?".Maybe it was all an act to run from reality afterall.But when reality hits you hard on your head,you realise that the grass was never greener on this side, if there was any to begin with. It's like standing on barren land and waiting for crops to grow.Waiting.Waiting.Waiting.
I don't see myself laughing much nowadays. Maybe i was never happy to begin with.Everyday, i wake up to tell myself,"Hey,Wake up.Just remember that you suck ok?Or at least most of the people will tell you, one way or another."It's come to the point where i'm getting super paranoid about what people think of me.Now, I'm so scared that if i hear another comment about me,I might just lose it.
I can say how much i don't care about how people view me, but the truth is,I do.And just by this fact i can tell that nobody knows me well enough to stop criticizing me.Their excuse:I'm straightforward.I'm just used to doing so.Well,Wake up. Cause i've been there and done that.At the end of the day, the predator will turn prey. And it'll haunt you into realising what a piece of shit you are.

2008-04-26T23:41:00.000-07:00

GAHH.. I can't be bothered to do anything about my blogskin.. it's annoying me how i keep getting extra underlines when i touch the template..oh well.. i'll just leave it as it is...

2008-04-20T11:40:00.000-07:00

Gahh.. i've been slacking and PMS-ing throughout this whole month. Like, REALLY BADLY. I think i almost scolded my mum for asking me what lunch i want.It's the leave-me-alone-or-die phase.Totally guilty for not doing work either.I think yesterday really pissed me off.I woke up at 7.30am to go to school for Past vs. Present. My sis and her friend wanted to get to her friend's house to put down the stuff first(some party decorations.there were so many things it looked like they were going for some 5-day trip) so my mum dropped me off at school first since we were already kind of late.Went to the sports complex and met up with Min Feng, Noelle and Sophia. Diane and Melody were there too=)
The games kind of started and we were watching some people play basketball when Mrs Kuan suddenly dragged Min Feng and I off the bench and insisted that we joined the netball team players to play against the past girls.The only thing that was going through my head was," yeah. thanks.second day of my period. like as if i'll give my all" so i kind of just walked here and there. Lol.. Lost pretty badly.. Then we kind of sneaked off.. played a little bid of basketball and badminton. Sheesh. Those past girls who claim that they're more than twice our age were scary. The way they blocked us kind of freaked us out. They'll stick to you like magnets and no matter how you turn you can't seem to get them off you( it's almost bringing you into an embrace.eww.)After half of the time, I kind of concluded that my sister wasn't going to come. After the whole thing Min Feng didn't feel like studying anymore so i decided to go back to class.Melody came back to class to study too!But we got too distracted by my Ipod. Thank you so much melody! Like as if you read this...i finally know how to put videos in my Ipod!
Went back home after that.Yeah. That's about all i remember.. i don't even remember what i ate for dinner. How sad is that..hmm.. did i even eat dinner...

2008-04-08T07:24:00.003-07:00

Sometimes i really hate myself.
I think back about the old me, and wonder what happened to her.
I wonder,why can't i be who i want to be?Why do i do things that make myself feel ever so upset.
I start to worry if i've got feelings.Cause everyone else around me don't seem to have any.
Immaturity,some say.Never sparing a thought about how the other party feels.
I always try not to turn back.But i am.I'm living in the past.I'm hating myself.
Frustrations rise from the slightest bit of hatred.And i wonder,when I'll erupt.When I'll break down and cry.When there'll be no smile on my face no matter how hard i try.

2008-03-15T23:44:00.000-07:00

Gahhhh... this week was boring... i've wasted so much time.. let's see... doing nothing..=D
Haven't really done much work too... gahh and it's sunday?!
YAY!!!! More 4 SoMeThInG tomorrow for me!!
Yeah. obviously i've gone mentally weird... yeah.just weird.I'm getting sick of the blogskin again! Maybe i should just get this whole blog black or something....
Thursday was fun! Went to eat at ________( shucks. i forgot the name again!!! I always do...
Let's see... Umm.. I was the latest!! I think i broke the record! i'm usually not the latest!But i was super late that day.. I was Sms-ing Cassandra and i didn't know that she arrived already and when Stella called me she said."Clarissa! Which stop are you at?"
and i just said"Uh.. Toa Payoh..." really softly cause the mrt was really crowded..
'HUH???'
'Toa Payoh'a little louder.
'what?'
'TOA PAYOH!!!'
then everyone turned at looked at me.felt like burying my head into the phone or something..
ahhhahhaha.. yeah. so funny. gahhh.. i hate blogging.. and yet i still do it-.- i should so delete this blog.

2008-03-07T04:58:00.000-08:00

today we had cross country.. more fun than i thought i guess..2.8 km la!! how is it possible to go through the whole thing and actually feel that i would rather run a 2.8 than a 2.4? Tsk.there's just no scenery at our school track.
i was kind of shocked to see ms kon just now. she aged so much! i think she dyed her hair.. there was like 2 different shades of brown as hair and she was wearing glasses.. didn't see the current principle today.i don't think she was there. Argh. anyway, at this type of timing for 2.8, i gotta really buck up!
sigh* tomorrow's gonna be my worst saturday ever...

2008-02-27T06:43:00.000-08:00

I'm really obsessed with horoscopes! I just got the latest reader's digest and browsed through the front few pages.There is an article that says that we don't actually have the right star sign now because the current zodiac system was drafted some 2200 years ago. A gradual shift in the Earth's rotational axis is over the last two millennia- called precession-has re-aligned the stars since then.Haha.. turns out that my star sign isn't Taurus but Aries. To anyone who reads this blog( yeah.. it's so dead la.. who reads this shit.), you can go to http://www.livescience.com/widgets/birthday.html to check your "real zodiac" sign.I can't believe i came online just to check mine.Sigh*

2008-02-10T08:11:00.000-08:00

Sigh.Sometimes I feel like such a failure for being too afraid of taking risks.I find myself thinking about the difference between the me in Secondary School,and the me in Primary School.Amazingly, i seemed a whole lot better last time.Of course i think more now and know how to be more considerate. But i always hold back on my feelings so much just so that i won't hurt other people's feelings so much, i realized that the price was to hurt my own.I'm aching.I've always been aching.Are people aching to protect my feelings too?Nobody is strong in this world.At least i know i'm not. Yet the people closest to me are the ones that hurt me the most. Every criticism, they say that i just stone, but honestly, my heart is bleeding. And one day, i wonder what happens when that very heart starts to bleed dry.
Like i always say, it's better to know less than to know more.Or at least i tell that to myself.

2008-02-04T21:01:00.000-08:00

5th feb!My brother opened his birthday present already..The first thing i did after i woke up was to go into his room( i had no idea why..i didn't even brush my teeth).Maybe i had this feeling that my brother would be playing his PS..So i stumbled into his room and said,"Eh? Still haven't sleep?ORH....oh yeah hor( i saw his present on the bed).. happy birthday!"then he said,"Slap You!" haha.. my siblings and i have this common habit of 'slapping each other'..
At least so far i haven't failed any common tests..Have i?Not really sure.There's been so much going on nowadays.. Whenever i hear my sis say that i'm not working hard enough, i feel like telling her,"At least i'm doing better than last year.." but i guess the whole family likes to say that 'it's all excuses'. Well hell with it. One day i might just get so annoyed that i'll never converse with them again.
Hopefully this'll be a fun week=D

2008-01-16T21:11:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday my mum called me ' useless' when i forgot to close the windows. I know it just kind of slipped cause she was in a rush and i wasn't helping much.But i guess i took it to heart?I kind of cried.Ok. I cried for 1 hour all the way from my house to my grandma's. But i couldn't help it?( shit. i'm typing in the library and freakin feel like crying now.)I guess i'm not that strong.Nowadays hearing an insult can make me cry for hours.Like some water hose that just couldn't close.It's like as if i could shatter into a million pieces and minute and finding the cause would be like looking for a needle in a hay stack.

I guess annoying people helps me? I like to see people laugh. At least it doesn't make me think about anything bad.contradicting isn't it?when i can choose to be Clarisse.I'd rather be Mildred.Doesn't that mean that i'll have to be Mildred for the whole time until 'O's are over?I've already lost myself.If anyone asked me what i'm like,i'll probably ponder over it for a very,very long time.The truth is, i don't remember. What was i like last time?What have i turned into?No matter what i say, i'm always in the wrong. It's driving me nuts.

I don't understand my mother. When i say i want to watch tv, she'll ask me to study.But whenever i want to study, she'll ask me to go out?What am i?

I feel like an abused dog. Taken for granted,fed leftovers and hit whenever unhappy.

The world is so big.One day i'll disappear.And i'll make sure no one finds me.

2007-12-27T10:16:00.000-08:00

AHH!!! School's starting next week! Somehow i have no idea why, but my back tends to hurt whenever school's about to re-open which is terrible! It makes me dread school more... I have no idea where the hong kong pictures are. Are they in my mum's laptop, my brother's laptop, or in this computer?Sigh*
My brother's going Bangkok tomorrow=)Haha.. he kind of freaked when i kept insisting that he should try fried grasshoppers. i said they tasted like prawns except that you're suppose to eat the shell.. Then i realized that it's probably that fact that he hated prawns which made him not so interested in this delicacy?HAha... DELICACY...I found it weird that we didn't go Thailand this year...I feel as fair as some Bai Zan Ji(white chicken??I don't know why i always say that)but i guess the shopping kind of makes up for it.. Come on!!I think i bought more than 10 tops!!And it's all definitely cheaper than what you find in Singapore..
I kind of feel so sian this Christmas..My Da-Sao was too suspicious looking can! On Sunday she was looking at my earphones and asking me why i had scotch tape on it. The first thing i said to my when we reached home was," Mummy! Da-Sao bought earphones for my Christmas present!"
and my mum was like,"Huh?Why do you say that?"
"It's a guess which i'm very sure is right..."i guess some people just can't hide it..
We had this Secret Santa thing and i found out that the cousin who picked me was the one working in the same company as my sis.And that my Da-sao was tipped off by my mum that i wanted earphones(Hee.. i wanted to buy cheap cheap ones but my mum told my Da-sao i wanted original. So i got apple earphones)and my cousin was tipped off by my sis that i've been nuts about books lately so i got a Borders gift card=)Actually i thought the earphones would come from my mum.. Kind of sad that it came from my Da-Sao cause apparently my brother and sister got Osim massage pens..Like, How AWESOME is that? you can like massage your head with it!!
My brother didn't get a present! We couldn't figure out who didn't give him his present since it's like, a secret. so lame.. And my uncle and aunty was having relationship problems so my aunty wasn't there(since my uncle re-married, is she my step-aunty or aunty?Oh well.. there's this thing that's true though.. Step mothers are all mean=) fairytale or real life...Or at least it's true according to everything around me..)

2007-12-18T01:53:00.000-08:00

AWESOME!! it's teh mv i've been anticipating for for SUPPPER LONG!! Since the beginning of Gong Zhu Xiao Mei! It's such an adorable song! And the mv is colourful?Lol...

2007-12-10T03:59:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be leaving tomorrow!Don't feel happy at all..i'm so sick of this family. I want to shed my hard shell and run as fast as i can.. Two words. Two words my mum likes to use and i absolutely can't stand. 'Stress" and 'Die'. Why?Cause that's what i've been feeling and that's what i've been hiding. The fact that she stresses the shit out of me and makes me feel like dying. And there she is, saying that cause i wasn't packing my luggage, she felt stressed.Sometimes i feel like screaming,"LEAVE ME ALONE!" because the fact is, my siblings do things last minute too.But we still get things done and that "I'm sorry you gave birth to kids did things last minute and that you're not perfect either." Cause the fact is, i used to be angry that she complained about my siblings in front of me. Now, she doesn't. BECAUSE IT'S NEVER 'JIEJIE', OR 'GORGOR' ANYMORE. it's just all MY FAULT.
And i can't say anything cause to anyone.Because in this house, there's no such thing as comfort. When you cry your eyes out, it's still your fault.they just don't shout it out. They say it nicely.But in the end, it still hurts.

2007-12-04T03:18:00.000-08:00

Saturday's concert was AWESOME!!!Haha.. Melody's twins look so alike! I probably won't be able to tell the difference if one of them didn't let down her hair.. Ok.. XIao Zhu sang roughly 20 over songs.. Kind of sad that he didn't sing Li Liang. And Rainie didn't sing Ren Yi Men either!!! I felt so stupid when i was trying to go to the Indoor Stadium. For some reason I just couldn't make up my mind how i should get there!! I decided to take a bus in the end.So i walked to the bus stop just to realize that is was the wrong one+_+'' Yeap. So i took 196 to bedok. Wasted so much time and so much money..
Anyway,there wasn't the super nice 'Show On Stage' t-shirt sold there. They sold the disco ball one instead and it costs $36!! crazy! I might as well go print one myself.. It'll be half that price.. Whoooohoo! Joanne rocks! She bought the cap for us!! Ahhaa... Thank you joanne!And i'm pretty amazed that they didn't sell the cap there. Like, why?hmm.. they're just soo weird.. Hopefully i can find the shirt in hong kong.. I really hope i find it there..
Actually going to hong kong seemed pretty often for me compared to most people.But somehow if you ask me what they sell at 'Nu Ren Jie', I'll probably say i don't know. Looking back on when i was a kid, i loved going there.But now, it occured to me that i didn't actually buy much usable things. Adults refer it to 'junk' i guess.. Hopefully i can buy clothes or something..

Something's been wrong with me lately..I don't know what.. I realized that i've been pretty moody nowadays.. Ok, I don't know if i actually show it.I just feel super upset inside and i have no idea why..Oh Well.. I don't think it'll last forever. I hope not..things will get better=)

2007-11-22T07:45:00.000-08:00

muahahaha.. once again i decided to change my blog skin.. i think i've got this obsession to change blogskins.. i always feel like changing it... maybe cause i'm too lazy to.So when i'm reallllly bored, i change it!uhh..yeah.

2007-11-22T07:04:00.000-08:00

PSLE results were out today.. like, wassup with them?They're so smart it's scary.. i can imagine 8-year-old kids talking about the solar system in the near future...WHOO..
hmm.. that only means one thing.more stress?haha.. unless they start adding some weird extra ingredient to milk powders which can keep people free from stress=)
1 more week to Xiao Zhu's concert!It's unbelievable how fast time flies...And to 3rd dec!Ahaha..I'm definitely going to the airport at all costs..How does he look like now?Longer hair i guess..
我不會唱歌 is awesome! i love this song.Somehow i feel so sad when i hear it.I know Xiao Zhu didn't write this song but somehow it seems something that he could really relate to.Or at least i think he does..Maybe cause of his dad?

2007-11-11T05:42:00.000-08:00

AHHHH!!! ETHAN WAS SO CUTE TODAY!!!Sigh* I feel so old.Getting excited over the fact that your nephew said something is kind of weird.It really just makes you question yourself.What is life?How do you live a life that's meaningful?Is it working your butt off or having a time of your life doing what you love to do?Hmm..I'm a student now. I've still got time.Yeah right.

2007-11-08T04:16:00.000-08:00

Jonas Brothers. They're the typical boyband?lol..Love them loads..
Their names are Nick,Joe and Kevin in order. Heard that Nick suffers from type 1 diabetes. Poor thing.. They're really funny.. well, kinda ran out of stuff to say.. It's not for me to say anyways.. It's for people to decide=)

I realised how out of touch i can get. Went to Central today to eat dim sum. We sat at the balcony. What a great view! The bungy jumping thing was just across the river from where we were sitting. How's it possible that i felt like a tourist?Went to liang court after that.Audio house was freakin big. And i heard some aunty testing out the karaoke set. Her singing was horrible..

2007-11-04T10:57:00.000-08:00

haha...this is sooo FUNNY!!

2007-11-04T07:04:00.000-08:00

Today i saw the most beautiful sunset ever. Unfortunately i did not have my camera with me so i couldn't take a picture of it. Maybe it wasn't considered a sunset. My mother was turning out to who knows where and the sky on the right looked heavenly.Yeah.As in i thought i was in heaven when i looked at the sky.Sounds ridiculous,but i felt like it was the gates of heaven and it was so near all i had to do was reach out or something..Isn't that odd?
My sis and I were watching the results for star search just now. For some reason we got super excited and we were like trying to predict who would get out.The first thing we both said when there was Bangjun and the other guy left on stage was,"oh my god..."then we stared at each other.
Then i said,"uhh.. judging on past performances, I think he'll win."
My sis,who has not watched a single star search competition round, just looked at me and continued staring at the screen with disbelieve.Haha..Gosh,My sis just knows Bangzhi and Bangjie but somehow we got super ecstatic when Bangjun won?Haha=)Super cool mans..I still can't believe it.Not that he doesn't have the potential..It's just unbelievable?

2007-11-03T00:48:00.000-07:00

UHHUR..UHHUR... SHOW LUO! the bestest of the best! Man! He's like the coolest man!Haha..Maybe he'll like, become a legend?!ahahaha..what am i saying?Newest song rocks luhh...AI..Ai..Ai... I... I... I... HEEEEE!!!=)Like so hurry up come to singapore yeah?Oh no.. Clarissa is talking to the computer! ARGH. This is maddeningly happening..And i'm inventing my own language!ok.. I'm just blogging cause the video is taking forever to load. ok. Let's call the new language Clarism!Now we can start inventing words! Wow...Like that's gonna happen.I won't even be able to finish the letter A=)Hah..Who invented words?they're such a genius..

2007-11-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

there's one thing i hate to do the most.That's acting.And i find it Ironic that i like watching dramas because it's all and act.Maybe i just don't like it in reality...Hmm.. contradicting?=)

I hate it when people say that there's no solution.Because there has to be.Problems and Solutions co-exist.If there's no solution,there'll be no problem.Even if you thrown a needle into the sea,you can always find it with a magnet.It just takes EFFORT.Clarissa has to keep telling herself that to get better=) and from now on, I'll post from a third person's view=)Clarissa has nothing else to say. Clarissa shall go watch her show and sleep.Because she still has work tomorrow even if it's a saturday.

2007-11-02T09:42:00.000-07:00

do you know what it feels like?
that sense of loss...a really really weird feeling where you wake up one day and look around to see everything the way it was yet something just seemed to be missing.I guess i'm feeling that now. I actually feel like going to school.It seems like forever since i've gone to school and made a hell lot of noise early in the morning just to keep myself awake(ahh..that explains why my energy level gets low by recess).It feels boring that i don't get to make that BIG DECISION on red bowl noodles or rice.Or actually feel nervous because i haven't done my Lit homework. It just seemed real weird.

OH WELL. One reason i felt that way was probably cause i no longer have any idea who's still left in Singapore!Oh My! Who hasn't gone for overseas sabaticals?Maybe all the groups left already...The saddest thing is you can't contact people in job attachment either cause they end late.Me? Ending work at 1p.m. is good enough for me thank you very much=) I wouldn't have mind working longer if the place didn't have to be narrow and small. You either stand the whole day or sit the whole day which still makes me feel a pain in the back(OLD?!).

Apparently my appeal failed. Guess i have to just work hard with the freakin 6 subjects... Might actually change stuff here and there..If only i could drop chinese?Lol=)Like that's possible...

Xiao Zhu!!! Hope you come yeah?If you do i'll be seeing you 1 week from now!

Argh. I've run out of stuff to type?

2007-10-30T04:34:00.000-07:00

i realized why i take so little pictures.cause i can't stand the fact that my camera seems to have a reaction time of 5-10 secs.
forgot to mention that my relative passed away last sunday.It's a really complicating relationship really.Her daughter is apparently married to my mum's cousin and i always thought that her daughter was my mum's cousin which would make her my grand aunty i think. and then i realised that she had no blood relation with me which made me feel so distant. then i found out that she's also my father's god-mother(ok.actually i forgot.)which actually makes her my god-grandmother( i always thought when he becomes her god-son, it's only him and nothing to do with us) and i should be there everyday for the wake like wearing the clothes and praying and everything. but apparently my name wasn't written in the newspaper( non of my siblings' names got written)only my dad's and he's not even caring about it so i felt really disowned.well, i'll be disowned when i'm 21. or i'm gonna self claim that i got disowned and i might change my surname since i'm not pissing my dad off so that i can get my allowance WHICH I'M NOT EVEN GETTING.yeap. in conclusion, i didn't realize that i had a god-grandmother until she passed away.
Family relations.They're just really messy.

2007-10-30T03:34:00.000-07:00

Unfold

What i can remember
is a lot like water
trickling down a page
of the most beautiful colors
i can't quite put my finger
down on the moment
that i became like this...

you see i am the bravest girl
you will ever come to meet
yet i shrink down to nothing
at the thought of someone
really seeing me
i think my heart is wrapped around
and tangled up in winding weeds

but i dont wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my imperfections
and even though my feet
are trembling
and every word i say
comes stumbling
i will bare it all... watch me unfold
unfold

these hands that i hold
behind my back are
bound and broken
by my own doing
and i can't feel
anything anymore
i need a touch to remind me
i'm still real

but i dont wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my imperfections
and even though my feet
are trembling
and every word i say
comes stumbling
i will bare it all... watch me unfold
unfold

my soul
it's dying to be free
you see.. i can't live the rest of my life
so guarded
it's dying to be free
it's up to me to choose...
what kind of life i lead

but i dont wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my imperfections
and even though my feet
are trembling
and every word i say
comes stumbling
i will bare it all... watch me unfold
unfold

i will allow someone to love me
i will allow someone to love me

This song is called Unfold sung by Marie Digby. I found her profile on youtube and heard this song and found it really meaningful. Apparently she wrote it herself and her album would be released around Feb 2008 so i guess i'll buy it.I really felt that i could relate to this song.shoot. i'm crying and turning emo.=( Oh wells...I guess that i've got this low-esteem that i'll have to walk out of and i'm sick of destroying my life.Because i can say this. Clarissa is destroying her own life.Because I used to walk around blaming everyone for the life i'm living. But now i realise, nobody is destroying my life. I am. Only i can destroy my life and i can go around pointing fingers at everyone but the truth is, i should be pointing at myself.
Why bother pleasing people?If they don't like you or you just can't stand them, ignore you. It's your decision.Unless god decides to take my life,no one else can take hold of it and control it.

Yep=) Job attachment was horrible. I'm not so stupid yeah?I think the dental nurse thinks i am. She keeps repeating stuff about root canal procedures blah blah blah..yeah.gum disease?when did i start learning that?from 9am to 1pm.And she kept saying i had to know all this so that i can tell the teacher if the teacher asks.Tomorrow if she does that again i'll be like," I don't think the teacher cares because there are a lot of companies and i don't think she wants to know what a crown or bridge is or how diabetics have a higher chance of gum disease."grr...I felt like i went to school today. all i did was study.i don't even sit there from 9am-1pm straight without a break when i study.+_+'''

jing tian de mood hao xun oh! wang zi wang zi!! wo yao kan wang zi!!!

there's a difference between acting and hiding your true self.

HUH!!i just realized that mao di's birthday is on the same day as wu zun!! 10/10!!

2007-10-24T06:15:00.000-07:00

Well I decided to blog since I came online to freakin check if that person in charge of my job attachment replied my email.Apparently she didn't and she better do it soon or else i'll be like stuck hanging and wondering what time i should be going for work on Monday. Today was the worst day of my life.When i got my results, i went back to class and cried.Came home, cried again.Ate,cried.Talked to my mum,talked to my second brother,cried.Talked to my sis,cried somemore..I guess the conclusion is, i cried tons of times.Uh hur.. And my whole family treats this situation like as if i murdered someone and they're the police trying to dig some information out of me through tons of interrogation.Tons.
Well..They're theory is that retaining is a waste of time since people are gonna judge you and just by making that decision you're throwing your youth and face into the drain and you'll be hurt very badly emotional wise which is pretty true. I guess i never thought about the emotional part.My mum's gonna appeal to let me drop 1 subject which is chemistry. I wanted to drop Lit at first but my family thinks that if you're gonna appeal to drop something you're better at compared to your worst subject you're probably half brain dead and yeah.
I don't know the chances of having the appeal approved but hopefully it goes through and i can take 7 subjects.Hope for the best i guess.. Haven't even asked if i could go out on saturday. I guess the answer is pretty obvious. Crying makes you tired.My eyes are so swollen i feel like sleeping.

sometimes it's just not meant to be, no matter how hard you try to accept it.

2007-09-22T08:01:00.000-07:00

haha..this video is funny! reminds me of me?always say the wrong word..

2007-09-16T02:01:00.000-07:00

this show is going to rock! i used to think that it was a rich girl liking a poor guy,not the other way round! it's gonna be fun! oh well. i decided that if i'm gonng keep typing and deleting posts i'll just blog in a new blog and delete the whole thing in the end of the year(why didn't i?ahahah.so stupid)=)

2007-09-13T06:26:00.000-07:00

ahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.i've just gone mental. i'm sooooo tired! i fell asleep waiting for the stupid com to start up. how do i face those books man?
had this really long talk with my mum just now. it's amazing how you think you know a person but you actually don't.she told me that i can't post what she told me on my blog(omg..she knows that i have a blog.that's dangerous.).Oh well.Not posting such an interesting fact won't kill me.
today would be one of the boring days i guess.ooh.wait.which day nearing EOYs is interesting?Hah...can't wait till it's all over.i'm gonna kayak,kayak and kayak! Lose those fats man.It's gonna be such a busy EOY. I'm gonna revise,revise,kayak,kayak,play,play,holiday?
I don't know how everyone's been seeing me nowadays, but in my opinion, i need to apologise if i've been moody. lack of sleep has taken it's toll man.

Over You
by Daughtry
album: Daughtry (2006)
Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.*
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

hooked.this song is so addicting.i don't get sick of hearing it over and over and over and over again and again and again.my mum was kind of weird today. phoebe wanted me to go out on sat to study and enjoy(well, yeah.watching a movie and eating pizza?i'd call that a sin before EOYs).obviously she would turn me down.right?
well,ok.the was i asked wasn't all that slow. i kind of burst into her room and said "mummy,can i go out on saturday?no.cannot.ok.then i tell my friend i can't go" and then i closed the door again.so i guess i wasn't all that giving space-to-think at that time.but somehow this was yesterday. today?she said"ok.if you want to go out then you go out this saturday and enjoy yourself."
that was the part which i felt like as if my jaw was gonna drop on the table.hur.then i said"don't want. exams coming. i need to study." hur...what are the chances of my mum not being shocked?i couldn't even beliece i said that myself. oh wells. she said that now she owes me 2 times( i couldn't go for char's b'day party.so i can go out twice after EOYs).HAh...i hope the concert doesn't count.and hopefully my brother comes back! i miss elvin gor gor! i feel so guilty when i look at my nephew.it makes me think how seeing him once a week wasn't enough cause he was growing so fast. then i think about my brother. the last time he saw my nephew was when he was so tiny he only could crawl.so guilty.sigh*
Ethan's poor uncle. but oh wells. at least he doesn't get bitten by the little vampire. it's scary when he gets angry.

2007-09-13T05:40:00.000-07:00

2007-09-09T03:09:00.000-07:00

22 more days to exams.what should i do?sigh*
i really don't know what i want to be when i grow up. i wanted to be a kindergarten teacher when i was young.actually i wanted to open a child care centre.i told my second brother and he asked me why. that's when it all started.i guess i only wanted to get revenge on naugty kids.i used get bullied when i was 5.and no matter how i told my mum, or any other adult, they'll all just say,"kids are like that.they'll grow up one"
wow. you dare tell a kid that another kid will grow up?i'm not even concerned about naughty kids being naughty. i'm concerned about the 'scar' they leave on kids they bully.i used to be skinny when i was younger.now i'm fat.so?it's my fault. i'm the one eating. like what grace says,"all i think about is food"hmph. please lor.there's a lot more i'm created for than to eat.i take people's food because i'm being thrifty. it's that's a problem then too bad.hm..why did i drift away to that..ok. as i was saying, i really hope that one day we get to have a kindergarten reunion.but i doubt that that will happen now.i wanna see wat happened to those kids.those kids that caused me to lose my self confidence,my blabber mouth infront of everybody and anybody.hmph. i'm pathetic. i can't stop going on about it i guess.

2007-09-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

i want to turn back time and relive those memories.go away devil.stop making life difficult for me.

2007-09-08T19:26:00.000-07:00

Anastasia. my favourite movie when i was a kid. the reason i probably liked it was because my mum told me that it was a true story. for some reason i felt like finding out about it so i went to wiki. it turned out to be half true i guess. my mum told me that anastasia was a princess who survived to see her family get murdered(ok. she just said that she found her whole family dead in a room).
The truth is, after reading whatever was on wiki, i got kind of confused.Anastasia was a dutchess from the the time of the WW1. Her father was the last in line to the Russian throne( like i can actually remember the name).She had 1 younger brother and 3 sisters.
She was a princess that did not receive royal treatment.Her family raised her and her siblings strictly.They had to do chores and slept on hard beds(unless they were ill).
The murder of the family became one of the biggest murder mysteries of the 20th century.Apparently,there were rumours stating the when the bodies were found, anastasia's and maria's(her sis) was missing.They were said to have escaped or something like that. However, at the later part, there was this area where they said that Anna Anderson,on of the famous ones who claimed to be anastasia( i have no idea who she is),was not anastasia.This was taken from a tissue with her DNA sample and matched with a close relative of empress Alexandra(anastasia's mom).Then afterwards,they did another test in 1994 which showed that she is in fact anastasia(wth?isn't it confusing?).
Ahh...I love the story anyway, i hope that one day they'll really make it into a real life movie instead of the cartoon one.or, animation one?hmm..

2007-09-06T05:31:00.000-07:00

haaa.. i love my blog song. 'first love' by Utada Hikaru.She also sang 'Flavor of Life' which is a song in the Jdrama 'Hana yori Dango'.'Hana Yori Dango' is the jap version of
Meteor garden=) Clemence rocks. She was the one who asked me to watch it=) heee...anyway, first love was a song i liked when i was in primary school cause of it being the OST of the Jdrama 'Majo No Jouken'. I recently came across this drama. i used to watch it with my sis last time! in the middle of the night at the karaoke room=) loved it soo much! sadly i can't remember the ending..brr..freaky. my sis just came home.
i'm in love with hanazakari no kimitachi! both taiwanese and japanese versions. sadly the jap version is still airing in japan so i have to wait patiently. i was looking at some comments for the taiwanese version hana kimi. was so upset! so many people who watched the jap version started criticizing Ella on her bad acting and bad looks. they said she looked too ugly! GAHH!! PEOPLE! stop comparing them! shows are meant to have good storylines. although the jap Rui Xi has more 'pretty boy' factor, Ella makes up with her acting ok! her acting is OVER in a good way ok.

2007-09-04T02:01:00.000-07:00

something struck me today.nobody but me knows what and it's gonna be a secret.i've decided to change. what type of change?hmm..maybe you can count it as a personality change. but can a person really change a personality? at least i hope they can,cause that's exactly what i'm planning to do=)
i'm gonna live like there's no tomorrow!books?i don't know if studying them will be part of my plan now. but hopefully it will.
i've learnt my lesson.people take you for granted when you tell them everything. they think that since you'll probably tell them,there's no point asking.they think that you'll probably ask them,so there's no point telling you first.maybe i should put it in a different way. people take me for granted when I tell them everything. they think that since I'll probably tell them,there's no point asking.they think that I'll probably ask them,so there's no point telling me first.haha=)
sometimes when things go bad,there's more than a factor to consider.i'm so sick of caring about how others will feel.my lifestyle is the result of self neglect.unless you're my close friend, i'm really not gonna care anymore.

i realised how all my life it's been me giving way.my sis was right. it's time i thought about myself. be selfish for once. think about what i want, not what they want. stop caring about how people judge you. live for yourself.

2007-09-01T00:16:00.000-07:00

ugh.. teacher's day sucked. honestly, sitting in the hot sun to wait for the president isn't something i'll do if i had the choice. now i got a tan line that's very weird. my hand has 3 shades of colours!
it was fun going out with joanne and stella=)just pure fun! well, at least i found out the truth about me playing basketball. i suck at it. i can't even reach 100 points in 2 stages and somehow it just keeps getting worse.
went home at 4 something just to find my house oh so quiet. decided to wait for mum instead of calling. i fell asleep at 7 something and woke up at 3 in the morning! so i onned the air con and went back to dream land.yep. that was the day fun and highness. until i end up here. sick,coughing with sore throat and a blocked nose.

song i'm listening to:wild wild west
cause:i feel like running wild.hur. how interesting

2007-08-26T01:34:00.001-07:00

i don't know what's wrong with me. i can tell you honestly that i didn't study today and yesterday and i feel guilty for it. i want to study. i really do. i'm really confused. i don't know what type of feeling i'm having and i don't like it. somehow i just ache inside.like a heart attack?i dont know. i just know that i don't call this normal and yeah.this is just really really weird.
i feel angry with you. you do so many things and you're not stopping.who do you think you are? being older doesn't mean that you can go around like you're royalty.making everyone submit to your commands and making them suffer.making me suffer. i've had enough.you're an a**hole!maybe i'm just angry with you for maligning me. i don't know.

2007-08-24T09:08:00.000-07:00

today ms or walked out of class. well, instead of rejoicing, i felt really upset. the point of disappointment was so high walking out of class was the only way to escape from it. that's how bad we are. that's how bad i am. sometimes i ask myself,if i work hard now, is it still too late?so what if i passed?i would have to work doubly hard for O's. what happens after O's?A's?
when i went home i met a guy in the lift. apparently he lived on the 19th floor and he had this american accent.he asked me what grade i'm in high school. i got kind of confused because we call it secondary school anyway. then he asked me if i'm doing my O's or A's.then i said O's. then he just wished me luck(it was kind of awkward to speak like that).when i got out of the lift i started to think about him.does he work in a big company or something?he's probably mid 30's and he's living in a penthouse.wow.. i wonder when i'll be reaching there.

song i'm listening to:Empty by the click five
monday! it's only 3 more days!

2007-08-23T06:42:00.000-07:00

nothing much happened today.hurhur..E math test was terrible.grrr..
after school i stoned and slept before realising that my SS was due at 2.30p.m! luckily i managed to rush it through on time to hand it in. ms chia was already leaving the staffroom.i doubt she'll know if we handed it in yesterday cause she didn't realise that the whole class' worksheets weren't there.
they had DC today.grace(a.k.a charis' god-cousin or something like that.i can't believe i forgot. she said it probably 15 times)was cleaning up our class.
went KAP at 5p.m.then went home. slacked for awhile then my mum came home with my nephew!went swimming after that. then went to eat.yeap.that was my day.

song i'm listening to:Teenagers by my chemical romance
it's nice.no other words to put in.

2007-08-22T09:20:00.000-07:00

haha! it's so late at night but i just felt that i should post today.

let's see..TODAY WAS HILARIOUS! well, divya and i decided to lie to yy.then it just turned into something really really funnay!
divya:eh!clarissa! i sit beside you!but where's tiffany's chair?
me:aya..she took it there.points at chair*
divya:laughs* then how to sit?
me:whispers*eh! quick! take york ying's chair.shoots.she's coming. quick! take it.distracts york ying* york ying! pretends to stare at someone from the door.uh..your friend looking for you.points at the door
york ying:is it?oh. ok.skips happily towards the door*opens door*(pffft..the way she looked left and right was hilarious. it was like a stupid video for kids on how to cross the road safely or something. look to the left, look to the right,then look to the left again.)
By this time, divya was already seated beside me and we were laughin away.york ying walks back towards us and gives us the you-guys-are-so-dead smile(i always find such smiles freakier than frowns).then she starts wacking divya and i.after she was done wacking(we were still laughing),she walks to her table.
york ying:eh?!where's my chair?
(divya and i)pauses*bursts out laughing*wow..and we thought she was angry about us stealing the chair that's why she hit us.haha.. i'm so bad at posting funny events. it just doesn't seem funny to read anymore.

after that we hid her bag and she only found it during recess. that wasn't funny but yeah.

song i'm listening to:Jenny by the CLICK FIVE!HAH! click five album's gonna be out in singapore this monday.honestly, what took them so long?i still remembered the day i turned on my computer and went to the iTunes store and saw that advertisement for the album. when i went to the date released it was exactly on that day itself.so cool.hmm..maybe i just get amazed easily..
anyway, i 'happy birthday','flipside','i'm getting over you'and 'jenny' and i've hardly heard any of their full versions! so gonna buy the cd.get yours soon?

2007-08-21T05:09:00.000-07:00

You Are An ESFP

The Performer

You are a natural performer and happiest when you're entertaining others.
A great friend, you are generous, fun-loving and optimistic.
You love to laugh - and you like almost all people equally.
You accept life as it is, and you do your best to make each day fantastic.

In love, you are a smooth talker and incorrigible flirt.
While you get into relationships easily, you don't tend to stick around when times get tough.

At work, you do well in groups. You keep everyone laughing through difficult tasks.
You would make a good actor, designer, or counselor.

How you see yourself: Capable, fair, and efficient

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Incompetent, stubborn, and silly

What's Your Personality Type?

haha..honestly,me?performer..hurhur...so not true...i think?oh well.. i really don't know. i changed my blogskin! super duper nice right?i love the colours although i kind of think the words are crap. edurance is something i need. risk?maybe i do have a little. love?hurr... tell me those are not 3 types of things a person needs. i prefer having the 3 thingy mrs wendy watson was talking about. spirit,soul and body=)

41 days to exams and i don't feel like i'm mugging enough!

You Are a Realist

You don't see the glass as half empty or half full. You see what's exactly in the glass.
You never try to make a bad situation seem better than it is...
But you also never sabotage any good things you have going on.
You are brutally honest in your assessments of situations - and this always seems to help you cope.

Are You An Optimist or Pessimist?

well, i do not agree that i helps me cope and i don't know if i'm brutally honest and i never knew there's such a thing as a realist!
song i'm listening to:Do You Know ( the ping pong song)
i love this song!haha..it's so so cool! it's bracketed the ping pong song cause there's really the sound of ping pong bouncing at the background with this rythmn. super coooool=)

tomorrow there's social studies test. i have a very bad feeling about it. think i'm gonna fail. oh well.. i really wanna watch lovewrecked!!so random..

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

2007-08-16T23:19:00.000-07:00

GAHHHH!!! AHHH!!! DOOMSDAY IS HERRE!!!sniff* i can't believe i agreed to being the ah gong for the chinese project.. sobs* i looked terrible! i acted...dramatically?hur..so not dramatic.i looked like as if i was reading the script. yeah,well.. actually the script was on the table and i just stared at it. oh well... till the day i get laughed at, peace.peace my head la! gahh.....oh dear.. my blog post sounded like a conversation to myself...'oh no...we are in trouble....'=)
let's go crazy!!hmm..maybe i'll let out a secret.i eat oranges in front of the com while watching youtube. huh!!!heehee..mum's gonna kill me if she finds out..
ahh..went to watch secret last wednesday.with who?MYSELF.why?cause i'm a loner.cannot is it?haha..just kidding.. i stupidly asked phoebe repeatedly is she was going for tuition and actually forgot that she said that there was no tuition on that day! so i kinda rushed down to AMK hub cause my mum was gonna catch a movie with her bf there.then my mum got a shock
"EHHH?!!!! wei she me ni zai zhe bian de?"( she looked like she just saw a ghost by the way..haha)
"ohh.. i forgot that phoebe told me that tuition was cancelled."
"wahh....so smart. luckily you rush down. you miss us then die already"( i didn't have a phone with me you see..)
but they wanted to watch and NC 16 show so i had to watch secret myself.. isn't that sad?hahaa...i don't know why i like replying my own question sometimes.. lol..

2007-08-10T06:10:00.000-07:00

We don't have time left to regret
Hold On
It will take more than common sense
Hold on
So stop your wondering take a stand
Hold on
There's more to life then just to live
Hold on

{Chorus}
Cause an empty room can be so loud
It's too many tears to drown them out
So hold on (hold on)Hold on (hold on)

{2nd verse}
One single smile a helping hand
Hold on
It's not that hard to be a friend
Hold on
So don't give up stand till the end
Hold on
Cause theres more to life than just to live
Hold on

{chorus}
Cause an empty room can be so loud
It's too many tears to drown them out
So hold onHold on (hold on)Hold on (hold on)
When you love someoneAnd they break your heart
Don't give up on loveHave faith, restart
Just hold on (hold on)Hold on (hold on)

[bridge]
When it falls apart
And your feeling lost
All your hope is gone
But don't forget to hold onHold on

{chorus}
Cause an empty room can be so loud
It's too many tears to drown them out
So hold onHold on (hold on)Hold on (hold on)
When you love someone
And they break your heart
Don't give up on loveHave faith, restart
Just hold onHold on (hold on)Hold on (hold on)
Cause an empty room can be so loud
It's too many tears to drown them out
So hold onHold on (hold on)Hold on (hold on)
When you love someone
And they break your heart
Don't give up on loveHave faith, restart Just hold onHold onHold onHold on

this song is Hold On my Jonas Brothers. they rock! well, actually i just recently discovered that there's such a band and i think that's cause they perform for disney channel or something like that and i don't suscribe to disney channel. well, i realised that they have a lot of songs which were busted's(another boyband) and i think they took their songs cause well, busted got disbanded and they got their album released recently only. but i'm not really mad whatsoever although i'm a fan of Busted cause the Jonas Brothers did a better job singing them(hurhur..)
oh well.. just love this song so much! it's so catchy!=)

2007-08-06T03:48:00.000-07:00

P.E was funny today..
i realised something. i'm not good at any particular thing.
what really made me realise that was probably the fact that my volleyball skills are so so..BAD!
time to buck up?
i'm glad. i'm really glad. i really want to say this. miracles do happen.

2007-08-04T02:22:00.000-07:00

ahhh...weekends at last!this week was terrible for me. there was the emo ups and downs...i guess i had the 'dive' of my life.let's start with monday.after school cheryl and i went to watch grace run.yeah,we sat there and watched her run.then cheryl's mother came to school to pick her and that kaypoh grace who suddenly realised one of her friends was missing came running towards me.
grace;eh,where's cheryl?
me;oh,her mum came to pick her.
grace;huh?why?
me;cause she was doing something around this area and decided to pick her..
then grace looked kind of puzzled.
grace;eh, let's go play squash
me;huh?you run finish already?
grace;uh..yeah.
honestly i don't know if she ran really fast, or she just decided to stop running.but i'm glad that we went to play squash! it was my second attempt at playing squash(first was in sec 1 during orrientation).it was really really fun! although i'm not such a good player...we played and laughed at each other( um..i can't remember if i was laughing at grace but i knew she was laughing at me ok!).anyway,tuesday after school cheryl and li pin joined us too! and li pin picked up the ball with her racket( isn't that cool?!i think it's cool!) and i was trying to do the same.i did it!! i managed to pick up the ball with my racket! although i ended up doing some stupid stunt trying to keep the ball in the air( i don't know why i couldn't just catch the ball. i reeally don't know...).tuesday i was honestly really unhappy. got back some results.. i think i'm gonna fail 7 out of 87 subjects i'm taking. that's terrible.
anyway, wednesday i had pft. failed it yet again. just can't seem to do pull ups. i have no idea why.then after having failed that nightmarish test, i had to go back to class and find out they were having a spot check. apparently i forgot to ask someone to help me keep my handphone and iPod since my locker was spoiled.well, i kind of tried to pretend like i didn't care. but honetly, i was bursting. i kind of broke down after amath. nobody understood me. they all kept thinking i was afraid of being scolded by my mum. until now they probably still don't understand since they'll all ask me how my mum reacted or what she said. do i honestly care about what my mum said?no.i'm ashamed of myself. you can say i've been doing badly for since forever so what's another failure to me? yeah. people who failed in a business can pick themselves up. but now i feel like i got totally announced bankcrupt.of course i'm afraid of my mum's reaction. but not the reaction of her finding out how my phone got confiscated. the reaction of her getting my ca3 results. i don't know what's wrong with me. but i'm definitely not ok. i'm a person who has lost all her drive to study. study hard now?on what?fuel?i'm not a car. i don't burn fuel for energy. i've lost my determination and i don't know why.

2007-07-29T09:13:00.000-07:00

today was yet another unknown day. actually it's confusing. i can't figure out if i'm suppose to be happy since i spent half of today sleeping. well, woke up at 4pm to go to grandma's house. i finally saw my nephew after a month! i almost cried. he grew so much! he was so much taller now. still very skinny.infact, i would say he's skinnier.i felt so bad that i kind of missed so much of his growing up years away(a month actually.that's so unacceptable)...anyways, it's not my problem that my older siblings have a mind that thinks more childishly than i do in who knows what way.
i actually wanted to blog about something else but i can't remember what it was. it was suppose to be something fun though..oh wells..
i've decided to create another blog and write a story in it. seriously,yeah. i'm gonna write a story. it's not gonna be 1 story actually..probably 2 or more... anyways, i'll start once i figur out the title of the stories are gonna be and i'll write it once a week. a synopsis?hmm..maybe?oh well.. it's gonna be about my family but since i'm the once telling it it can't be a 100% true except about the one about me which i'll start with. okies. i'm gonna start watching my show before i lose my freedom to examinations.
my latest craze is full house! CLEMENCE! did you watch full house?! i think you did..maybe that's why you were so crazy over rain for a period of time. anyway, after watching this show(half of it actually) i still don't like rain. i prefer the other guy in the show although he's suppose to be the'bad' one. oh well... i'm not gonna say what this show is about cause it's just so good,words can't describe it.

2007-07-27T07:56:00.000-07:00

my mum is so kind! she cleared my room for me while i was sick! well, i must have been too sick to hear the vaccum in my room since i only woke up when she was doing the living room.. hmm.. doing the living room.. why does that sound wrong?oh wells..recovering! no fever and tingly feeling anymore! just a terrible ache all over my body...my back aches so much i can't even sit straight=(
well, when i stepped into the doctor's room?whatever you call his small 4-wall box you go into after a 2 hour painstaking wait, he greeted me by saying"ah..so tell me what's wrong with you today! i was pretty shocked to see an eskimo sitting outside!"then my head was hurting so much i couldn't even bother to laugh even though i found it pretty funny which made it kinda awkward(at least my mum was laughing).anyway, he told me that i was having thermal hallucination. or i was thermal hallucinating.yeap.something like that.. anyways, he was trying to say that, like always, the virus attacked me.well,whenever he said there was some virus in my body, it made me imagine some person hitting me or something like a computer virus cause he made it pretty comical with the tone he used..
continue..he said that the virus was trying to make me feel cold when actually, my body temperature was really really hot and when i told him i felt like puking, he said that the fever just made me feel nauseas or something like that and that the virus wants me to feel like that so i'll keep covering up, causing my fever to rise.inside my head i was like"wth?!"
oh wells, sometimes when i blog, i just feel like stopping halfway. i guess now's the time.

2007-07-24T06:29:00.000-07:00

i'm so full now. just finished dinner..BURP*..ate oxtail with butter rolls. rocks la.. finally my mum has decided that she cannot avoid the fact that everyone was craving for oxtail=)
i feel so weird recently.seriously, joanne?are you angry with me?how come suddenly you're like so distant?i feel so sad.. everything's changed so much... i guess..it's true that i don't like changes..maybe that's why i really admire people who can adapt to changes quickly. to me, those are the people who can make it outside and become successful. maybe that's why sometimes i feel like a failure. no matter what we do, life is never smooth sailing forever. there are bound to be setbacks that might force one to start life afresh or build your life right from the beginning again. acknowledging this is one thing.conquering it is another. i guess now i'm just the girl that's big physically. but one day, and i hope that day comes very very soon, i want to be the big girl who can stand up and face everything bravely calmly and rationally. being couragous is not enough i guess..guts are nothing.
once again, i forgot to take pictures of the the oxtail.. it looked yummy! but i think i'll probably puke if i looked at the picture now..
HARRY POTTER! the book was great! i think J.K Rowling is super cool..just sitting on the train from one destination to another and her inspiration drove her so much as to plan each and every character?that is one superwoman. it's amazing that she managed to think about all this especially since everything in that book is fictional.. yeah, you can say kids have the biggest imaginations. they probably only thought about witches on broomsticks. who has actually thought about a wizarding world which co-exists with muggles(non-magical folks)? who actually thought about them using wands?ok..maybe some people have. i just never remembered when i have ever thought about wizards fighting with wands before knowing anything about the book. inside the 7th book, many people died..made me pretty sad really..the people who died were Mad-eye moody,hedwig(harry's owl),dobby(the house elf who used to serve the malfoys-warned harry about danger in harry potter and the chambers of secret),fred weasley( i love fred! he's so funny!he's one of the twin weasley brothers,the other's george),remus lupin, tonks(the auror who can change her appearance,in this book she married lupin and had a son whom they named ted,after tonk's father who was killed in this book too. i felt so sad when i heard they both died! ted's an orphan now! harry is ted's god-father) ,snape( i felt bad for him too.. by the time i read till the part harry went to view his memory, i felt so heart broken i felt like putting the book down.) and the person i knew would die,voldemort!
oh wells, although i strongly discourage people to watch the fifth movie, reading the book will be great! it's more detailed=)

2007-07-18T06:53:00.000-07:00

i've been hanging. hanging on to this thin string.yet,being the mischievious monkey, i've still been swinging happily, thinking that it won't snap so soon. but now, i really feel it. it's snapping.the rope i've been hanging on to. i can feel it breaking..little by little. i have a chence of surviving. but it's a big leap. i need to buck up on my studies.pull up my socks. eat less, exercise a whole lot more. but i'm tired. i'm really tired. there's just no drive in me anymore. i feel like a car that ran out of gas. no matter how expensive i am, i'm still useless because i can't show my full potential without petrol.save me. i can't take it anymore. i really want to do well. but i just can't do it. i don't have the drive to. i don't think i can start studying half a year's worth of work in 3 months. i'm tired.i don't wanna study anymore

2007-07-14T02:29:00.001-07:00

this week was..overwhelming? i hated wednesday. i can't believe our class got to go for the swim thingy again. it's so boring. i was sitting there stoning ,with no one to talk to and clemence was beside me applying some lotion on her hand. weird. oh well...i realised that words are the most powerful emotional weapon to me. think about it. when someone says " i love you"and you love that person too, you feel super shiok inside.. like your heart has been wrapped tightly in a blanket, so tightly that it has to pump harder.however, if the person said "i hate you"there will be different feelings overwhelmed in you.
then you think back. what if nobody said anything?what if there was no universal language like english?what if everybody speaks their own unique language?
i thought a lot this week. just a person walking on a pavement made me think.i wonder what that person was thinking as she walked towards the bus stop. did she feel sad?or did she feel happy?then i thought about myself.what would i look like when i'm happy?how did i look when i grinned?how did i look when i'm sad?sometimes i think that people can read like the cover of a book. they just had to look at my face. then i realised those are the people who are not that close to me. people like my family however, misunderstand me all the time. hearing my mum and her bf quarrel just now really made me angry. i felt like scolding my mum. i felt that she was unreasonable.then i realised that as her daughter, i was unreasonable to her too.
i guess that's just how humans are made.
we're being challenged with obstacles constantly, to be molded as a better person.we're like ants. ants work hard to find food. the brave storms( i always thought a slight drizzle was a storm to them.) and strong winds( a gush of wind) and heat stroke(hurhur..sunny weather) to find food to bring home for their queen,they do it not for themselves,but for someone else. for the next generation yet to be born.
what about us?maybe we're now being trained to carry on the generation. make life easier for the younger ones..

2007-07-08T06:20:00.000-07:00

(the pink words are kinda emo=)skip over)today i went to orchard for some high tea buffet. seriously, i've never been to one. i didn't even know high teas can be buffets! anyways, it's of course during high tea which means 3.30 to 5.30. so before that i went to tangs to shop. SHOES. they're my enemies. you can like them clemence, i don't care. i hate them=) i wanted to buy this watch, super nice. my sis said"if it's cheap then buy la. this type not worth buying lor."then before that she said,"tsktsk..tangs have such ex stuff! that hair band costs $35! omg.."HELLO?!how can it be cheap if the stupid hairband costed $35 already?anyways, so i couldn't be bothered to ask the salesman for the price since i've been aiming for the nike merge collection for ages and there's this other new baby-g watch that i'm in love with=)
buffet was pretty good. i would say so so cause i'm not a great fan of buffets to begin with. the only thing i probably eat is salmon and desert?LOTS OF DESERT<3 dinner="(" color="#ffcccc">i thought about the possible reasons for such a result. then i realise that it was just gossip.just gossip can do so much harm.i really don't know how to face______ and ______. it's guilt i guess.i don't want to talk to them. if i do i might end up 'betraying' either of them.Cheryl, you're so brave.i don't know how you cope with listening to both sides without saying anything. i feel like i'm bursting. you can't go left nor right, neither can you go front and back.it's just being rooted to the ground.
Do not think i'm a weirdo ok?people get Emo once in a while.i guess it feels better to type it since i can't say it.

2007-07-07T01:48:00.000-07:00

haha..i wrote a whole lot of crap then i cancelled it and decided to write another load of crap on my blog instead. i want to go to novena square!!!i went with my mum yesturday and i was so freaking tired.. i was like"wth.. after netball and a whole lot of terrible lessons, i do not want to shop. my feet were hurting and i really just wanted to sleep. then i went walking here and there, i think my mum took half an hour at sun paradise picking a swimming costume and i was just standing there awkwardly listening to my ipod.seriously, you do not want to be stoning at a store full of swimming costumes. you have to find a good place to stone la! you look there and you'll be looking at bikinis. you look the other side you be staring at swimming trunks! and i was like.. wth!and i was pretty sure the lady at the counter was staring at me and thinking,"wth is that girl doing?"so awkward. i regret wearing school uniform in a swim suit shop looking uncomfortable and staring at all directions( i ended up stoning at a mirror in the middle of the shop).haha... we walked around and realised that novena had a square 2!!haha! i think i'm so slow. they actually had square 2 when they extended the place.sqaure 2 was so much more fun! it's kinda odd actually.. novena square is so spacious while square 2 seems so tight. as in if you go upstairs it's like a maze! there's turns everywhere in different directions.it's kind of like far east plaza but maybe a lot more complicated and smaller(the walkways i mean).SOMEONE GO THERE WITH ME WHEN WE HAVE TIME K?we walked pass timezone!! it looks like the coolest ever. it's so brightly lit(unlike the normal ones) and there's the basketball machine i'm dying to play! there's like so many different games!!my mum wanted to go in too la!i haven't even said anything and she was like"eh! very long never play already! later after dinner we go in ok?"then i was like"aya.. i also want.. but i'm in school uniform."so sad...=( anyways, i was so hungry the first proper restaurant i passed by was sakae sushi!i wouldn't exactly say it's proper actually.. i feel so sad! they no longer server fried tofu!!or at least that one didn't... my mum actually wanted to eat at this korean restaurant which is soooo coool! there was this barbeque thingy in the middle of the table with this pipe to the ceiling most likely to suck up the smoke. anyways, i had a sore throat so we didn't eat that. then at sakae my mum told me that the reason we're actually out was because of me.apparently my mum bought the back of my IC number and won $100 dollars from 4D. cause it was the lowest number.haha=)at least that cheered me up. i felt lucky cause my mum's bf said"i buy my IC number 40 years already still never strike"haha=)

2007-07-05T07:21:00.000-07:00

mom scolded me.she scolded me yet again.what's her problem?!GRRR....

2007-07-05T03:30:00.001-07:00

today clemence requested to change seats and ended up sitting at tiffany's seat! therefore, i'm sitting beside tiffany. haha.. both of us slept during chem.. i was falling asleep during physics... THANK GOODNESS tomorrow's friday! i wonder if i can survive without falling asleep in class tomorrow.today i felt so emo la. i've never felt so sad before.. i have no idea why.. ok.. last year i used to feel like that for weeks. this unknown sense of unhappinees. i would say i felt like as in a dementor was near me and sucking my happiness out.maybe i just feel stuck. i've been trying to control my temper for such a long time. like clemence said today, if i keep hiding my feelings, i'm gonna burst like a balloon. how do i even tell her how i feel? i don't even know how to discribe it..it really felt that i was never gonna smile again. ok.. maybe until we started playing games at KAP.super funny!! i don't know what's wrong with me! i suddenly couldn't play the animal game. i have no idea why.. just can't seem to play it. then we played some weird hand tap thingy.. then we played the frog game..you're suppose to go round in the circle..each, person says one word.so means the first round is,"the frog jumps into the water plop*"the second round will be "the the frog frog jumps jumps into into the the water water plop*plop*"sounds easy?wait and see.. it'll be hard to count by the time we reach 5.. but that probably also depends on the number of people playing..
ok. i think i should sleep...the click five album is out!=)it rocks!ok.. at least it sounded pretty good.. why did eric leave?!how can he?he's the lead singer! =( the new lead singer looks kind of cute but his voice is too deep. doesn't sound very high to me..hurhur...i like'Flipside' and 'Happy Birthday'.so far.. hope i can buy the album?shh...download online...lol...

2007-07-04T05:55:00.000-07:00

finally changed blog skin!! this week is nuts man.. i feel so down lately.. like it's never struck me that i've never done anything to make me feel accomplished about.therefore, i shall start from the smallest part of accomplishment, tidying my room! i seriously hate the stuff in my room. i realised that i have so many things that i actually don't use. i just don't throw it away cause it's empty( like notebooks and stuff like that).ok. i'm suppose to have handed my goals thingy but i haven't so i'll post it in my blog first.
chances are, i'm not gonna be jogging with grace anymore since she HASN'T REALLY MENTIONED IT.
goals:
-tidy room
-tidy study room-start revision
-get science tuition teacher(i can't decide if i should.. afterall..half a year is gone)
-eat less snacks,more meals
-start handing in homework punctually(i've tried since primary sch?hurhur..)
-save $450!!!
oh my! i'm so sad!! grace and joanne bought me a hamster for my birthday but it died today!! i had it for 2 days by the way. actually it's more like 1 and a half.. clemence was in possession of it when it died=(don't worry clemence. i have a feeling it's kinda my fault too cause i accidentally dropped Baby on the table in class...( do you count it as drop if it kinda ran off my hand? i don't know how to explain..)i shall pay respects to my hammy tomorrow or friday..woah. hope there's no netball on friday! recently i've actually been loathing netball cause of the people in my group. did i blog about them? i can't remember. but i seriously don't want to team up with sec 1s.

2007-06-29T04:17:00.000-07:00

it's been such a busy week! haven't blogged for a while! i'm so sad!! i can't believe hermoine and hagrid is gonna die in the seventh book! ok, seriously i don't really care if hagrid dies cause he's not such an important character anymore to me. HERMOINE!!! how can you die??wait..did i spell her name correctly?
netball was boring today! li pin said she'll go but as usual, she didn't again. apparently on the last day of school which was the day we came back from camp there was netball and we were split into groups. now i'm in some ulu group being led by a sec 1 girl..no offense, but i seriously thought indians were generally matured.not in this case. my leader is one of the most childish and proud girl i've come across from the whole sec 1 level. maybe the rest are just growing too fast or something.can't believe i have to stick to a girl younger than me who thinks she can play netball super well +_+'''

Taurus - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits:
You tend to stick with relationships - through the good and the bad.You are a great listener and tend to give valuable advice.Cautious and careful, you never jump in recklessly... saving yourself from heartbreak.
Your negative traits:
Money is very important to you, so much so that it's a cause of arguments in relationships.If your lover isn't loyal or attentive enough to you, your eyes start to wander...You tend to keep things inside - so your partner may not know when or why you're upset.
Your ideal partner:
Is stable, serious, and ready to be committed to you.Is successful and able to provide you with the lifestyle you crave.A true romantic, who is willing to express their desire for your heart.
Your dating style:
Comfortable and traditional. You'd love to have a nice meal at a cozy restaurant.
Your seduction style:
Love comes first for you before you'd even think of intimacy.Traditional: you're not a cold fish - but you're not into kink either.Pleasing... you always make sure that your partner is having a good time.
Tips for the future:
Be willing to change your mind. Who you think is the love of your life may be very wrong for you.Try listening to your mate. While your stubborn streak is hard to break, sometimes your partner knows best.Lighten up! The first months of a relationship should be about fun, not intentions.
Best color to attract mate: Pale blue
Best day for a date: Friday

What's" Your Love Profile?

2007-06-18T07:46:00.000-07:00

today i was suppose to do my homework yet again but oohlala! i did 4 questions!hurhur..ok.at least better than nothing at all.. anyways, i went to charmaine's blog and from charmaine's blog i found suyi's and yin tian's( is that her name?i do not talk to her...) blog. then i realised that i used to hang out with suyi in p5.yeap.so unbelievable right? then i realised that p5 was the only year which left me with great memories=)even though mrs seah used to scream her lungs out at me for talking in class(wow..the shy me actually had that day too..*acts innocent*hurhur..not convincing..),it was still pretty fun! so i decided to find myself! or otherwise, the old me!i'm gonna be a kid again! i'm gonna rebel like shit and listen to the radio more attentively than to my teachers(should i leave that out? doesn't seem that neccesary..), i'm gonna be picky about my food(i can't believe i used to do that too..)..i'm gonna stare at my dinner for really long and refuse to eat it cause i just don't like it(maybe it used to be possible cause my maid was a bad cook...oh man.. my mum's cooking is like 5 stars man..gahhs..)i'm gonna spend half of the day on the phone( who did i use to call?min feng?oh my.. she'll kill me if i call her and talked crap). ok.. after all that i guess i could only be half a kid now.. esp with my size.. a kid seemed eions away from me.as in..oh.whatever.moving ons....
yesturday i forgot to mention the fact that my sis was at olinda's house playing the latest technology i'm crazy over(yup..it beat the PS3..huh!!) the nintendo Wii!!anyone heard about it?ok.. no one reads my blog.. so i'm like the one reading and typing..so loner. continues*Wii is according to my sis the "next exercise machine"cause it's a tiny object which makes you play with so much fun, you don't realise you're totally losing the calories... for example, tennis. you hole the Wii in your hand like a tennis racket and you wack the "ball" on the tv screen! so it's like virtual tennis! coolio mans!apparently olinda's brother gave this new toy to her for her birtday i think. $1000 over dollars..what a generous sibling.. i'd be generous if i was rich.i'm so broke la...

2007-06-17T07:06:00.000-07:00

today is father's day. forgot about it until i was awakened by my mum at 2 pm in the morning to ask me to go eat lunch. so i got out of bed and went to eat lunch at ang mo kio.some weird ulu market where my mum buys the fabulous fruits i eat every week. oh my gosh! their cherries are sooooo sweet! i love them! my mum also bought 2 bags of apples(10 in each).super sweet! i already ate 2 apples=)what a pig right?haha...
anyways, moving on.. i went to mandai to pay respects to my grandpa since it's father's day and to my great-grands.then went home. reached home at 5pm, was suppose to come online and watch some videos while my mum bathed but ended up spending that whole time chatting with joanne! haha! it's fun though=)however, only had half an hour to chat then i left for my grandma's house.
i've been dreading to go my grandma's house ever since my grandpa passed away.there seems to be less warmth or something. no matter what, something seemed to be missing.oh well, other stuff i want to post but i don't think it's convenient cause i forgot if SOMEONE actually knows my blog add so in case that SOMEONE actually does and visits my blog often i'd better leave it as that. oh well...being the dirty me again, i have not bathed! well, actually i didn't have anytime the whole day to do that so i'll go and bathe now!=)

2007-06-14T05:56:00.000-07:00

today i went to the columbarium( how do you spell it??). and my grandpa's niche was on the third floor. so while i was walking up i saw uncle hock seng's bus at the carpark which was visible from the third floor cause there was a hill blocking. so i whispered to my sis"eh, jie jie, i just saw uncle hock seng's bus" and my ever so deaf sis heard it as i saw" ah gong" which is what i call my grandpa. so she went " OMG! you saw ah gong?! can you not scare me?"so after saying it louder and clearer, she finally heard me. so i asked her what she thought uncle hock seng would be doing there and she just said" dunno la..can you not me so wu liao?maybe he's fetching some people to the crematorium?"
i do not find that very wu liao ok!it's so weird. it's the only bus parked in a ulu car park with no other cars. wouldn't that make anyone curious? no matter how cheap skate a person is they won't hire a non-airconditioned bus to fetch their relatives would day?hmm.. i think i'm thinking too much. maybe the heat got to me or something. anyways, convinced my mum to order home delivery today. PASTAMANIA!after eating that, i think i won't be eating pastamania for quite a while. i totally forgot i already ate pastamania 2 days ago and it was the same pasta! i wanted some other pasta but it was not included in the home delivery menu.so saddening=(
happyness! tomorrow my mum will be bringing me to buy my guitar! or at least she said she will. i reminded her a dozen times today and i even recorded down what she said which was"we'll go buy if i'm free" except that it was in chinese and i can't remember the direct translation. i'm really looking forward to my guitar! although know i'm more into drums. haha.. it's so retarded. i feel childish though. cause i have no drum set and i don't think my mum will be pleased if her 15-year-old daughter was using her pots and pans and chopsticks to create a close to drum set instrument and start making a din, i just used 2 markers and anything i can find in the study room, blast the music and drum along. ok.. maybe not blast the music.
totally in love with ZHANG DONG LIANG!i watched yu le bai fen bai today. HEEE!!i realised that i actually don't like his voice. i love it! it's so.. unexplainable. it sounds so ordinary yet so special. ok. whatever. i'm starting to not make any sense here. hmm... maybe i should start blogging like a diary. so i have the 'dear diary..' crap there..maybe?maybe not..

2007-06-13T09:55:00.000-07:00

"When You're Gone"

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

[Chorus]
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

[Chorus]

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

[Chorus]

this song is 'when you're gone' by Avril Lavigne .Tomorrow i'll be going to mandai to pay respects to my grandpa. hearing the song and watching the mv for this song really makes me feel so sad.the lyrics are so touching and they really describe the rough patch i'm going through. it maybe almost coming 2 months to my grandpa's death but somehow i still miss him. it's this emptiness in you.the sad feeling that you'll never see that person again.and how you wished you had more time with him or showed more concern for him.i always felt like buying something for him to eat whenever i was out but i was always afraid that he couldn't eat it cause of his sickness. now i'll never be able to look at him and see him eat or see him play with my nephew despite being so weak.
death is no joke. it's scary to think about anyone you know passing away. maybe i didn't feel so much pain when my paternal grandpa passed away cause i was only 7 and i hardly knew much about him.but this time it really hit me hard. only after his death did i realize what a great grandpa i had.he was magnificent.he brought his father's bus company to soar to greater heights. his mind was like a human calculator. sadly a book was suppose to be released about the bus company but he didn't live to see the book so we had to burn a copy of it. it'll be on sale soon but i don't know if anyone will buy. neither do i care. cause inside i know that my grandpa is my idol.knowing his end was nearing, he even taught the maid how to look after my grandma and her habits. he was worried about us even when he was so weak.if i really had a chance, i want to say" i love you grandpa. thank you for taking care of me and loving me through the small actions you make."

2007-06-12T10:02:00.000-07:00

today was pretty cool.. first time stepping into another school for some other program? oh well.. it was pretty cool to fold hearts i guess.. at least you get a free slice of pizza! i love pizza! just that no one else in my family has the same interest as me... come to think of it, there's hardly anything i don't eat.. i don't drink sugar cane juice...eat?let me think about it another time.. RI is huge! it's so unfair! i felt so lost in there..maybe cause it got combined with RJC.... anyway, after that was a whole chapter of crap... first my brother and my sis-in-law. then my geog group. it'll take me a long time to forgive her but god forgives when asked for forgiveness so i should follow in his foot steps and let go of this heavy burden of anger.things will still never be the same though. she betrayed my trust for the second time.i'm not like someone.i decided not to demand for an apology. it won't be sincere anyway.just get out of my life.
i'm so glad i had such great friends! they put a smile on my face with their positive attitudes and positive outlooks on life.somehow we never seem to get angry with each other for long.. seriously i can't remember getting angry with joanne for more than a day. and melody never complains when i hit her to annoy her.hurhur....clemence is the coolest person with all the recommendations of Japanese and Korean dramas when i run out of stuff to watch. charmaine's a nice person to talk to too! anyway,i wanted to end of with saying thanks to Shu en for asking me to do the hearts for CIP.
this is random but lately i've been super duper crazy about 18 jin bu jin and why why love or huan huan ai. zhen de high fan tian! 18 jin bu jin is kind of lame but it eases the boredom of waiting for the people to upload why why love cause it's so funny!! the story line was meant to be educational i think+_+''.why why love!it's so nice!watch watch watch!

2007-06-11T07:10:00.000-07:00

today clemence,charmaine and i went to joanne's house to have a movie marathon! sadly we only had time for 3 movies. we watched school of rock but charmaine was late so she only watched 3/4 of that. thank goodness she brought more dvds!! my er-mei is so cool!! she brought 200 pound beauty,she's the man and this dvd with a compilation of 3 movies related to dancing(honey,stomp the yard and forgot the last one). so we watched she's the man followed by honey. ooh!! charmaine has ice princess!i'm gonna borrow from her! or at least i'm gonna ask her to lend it to me... i've been dying to watch this movie! although it was released a few years back, i don't think my mum will actually buy such a movie for me. it's about this genius who was getting straight A's but wasn't cool.the rest is difficult to explain.i wanna watch it!!

after i left joanne's house i went to hong kong street novina to eat yu pian mi fen=) i love it... you can let me eat yu pian mi fen everyday and i probably still won't get sick of it.. although i have to admit the chef either doesn't know how to cook noodles or the noodle quality is just bad.. some of the noodles are so soft yet seems to taste kind of not cook. it's got this san-san feeling...hee.. it's so cute to go with my nephew! although he gets really irritating when everyone's trying to eat and he's there slamming the table, he's still so cute!he's still nuts about girls though.i mean, come on! he's 14 months old and he's hitting on young little girls..

2007-06-10T01:26:00.000-07:00

Today's sunday! i remember how fun sundays used to be....playing board games and watching tv...that was all in the past.
nowadays sundays are the worst days of my life. i dread the fact that the next day i would have to drag my feet to school and rush through the homework i did not do. i dread the fact that i had to go my grandma's house and spend a few hours just sitting there and watching formula 1(it's the only thing i hate about tv). i dread the fact that sundays actually existed.
i had the weirdest dream last night. i was talking on the phone.i hanged up. i stared at the phone. it looked like as if some hard object had crushed it until the keypad flew out and the insides were revealed.i woke up feeling puzzled.the next thing i knew the phone vibrated suggesting an sms was received. i looked at my phone. it wasn't the same as the dream. THANK GOODNESS!!
suddenly i feel like as if i just wrote a random compo. HAHA. so lame. SO LAME? hmm.. am i really lame or am i just so used to saying that? i realised that i say that for almost every single post i put in my blog. i don't blog often to begin with. i hate my life. it's getting screwed up and i need to start doing some homework. school holidays are half gone and i only did one lit assignment so far and it's only cause the deadline was the end of week 2 of the holidays. will i be able to cope with my workload?feels like as if even if i started now i might not be able to finish all my work in time. O levels are getting closer. it's really scaring me. it may sound like one year but it's actually a few hundred days away. how few? who knows. but it's still drawing closer and now catching up since too late. my mind has already told me to shut down. how should i be able to revise work since sec 1 in a few hundred days? the odds are against me. so far i have spent 800 over days in secondary school but i only have half the time to revise and understand everything i've learnt so far. starting is the first step and most difficult. i can post everything in my blog but i can't seem to start the action of actually picking up my book. how do i cope with that 1 difficult first step?sigh*

2007-06-09T07:22:00.000-07:00

AHHHHHHH!!!! HIGH DAO ZUI GAO DIAN! heee.. it's so cool to go shopping and find clothes that can actually fit in many of the shops!haha.. i went on a B-I-G shopping spree! new year wasn't as fun man. i cut my hair,bought a converse bag, reebok sports shoes(was so hoping for addidas or nike but..tsktsk.. budget la..budget.), a few tops and 2 bottoms all in a week's time!so happy! it's actually really fun to go shopping with my mum and sis! they're like kids at heart or something. we tried the same clothes and decided that we'll buy some to share.haha=) i think i bought a top from topshop.hardly buy stuff from topshop. so super revealing! sometimes i pick up some clothes and they're super nice then when i was about to bring it to the fitting room i turn it to the back and i'll be like "WTH!! so revealing!"
my hair parting got changed! it feels weird. apparently i have to comb my hair to the side parting after i bathe or else it'll go back to the middle. BORING!!

TODAY WAS FUN! i watched videos until 4 something then my brother and da sao brought me to school to hand in my lit assignment. it is so freaky to go to school on a saturday esp during the holidays. it's so empty! except for a guy and her daughter in the concourse rolar blading.. it's kind of weird la.. why would they rolar blade in school to begin with? and when i opened the pigeon hole, the lights suddenly went off! i was like.. OH-MY-GOODNESS!! RUN FOR IT!!then i ran out downstairs. after that my mum,mum's bf,brother,sis-in-law,nephew and i went to swim! there were 2 little kids that were soooo cute!! they're only slightly taller than my nephew and around 2 years old, boy and girl. cousins i think. the little girl was called april. didn't hear the boy's name and when they left the mum was like" april, go and say bye bye to the baby and sayang him(my nephew)." then she went a little closer and said"sayang..." bending down a little to touch the float my nephew was sitting in. i wanted to hug her!! she's so cute!! the way she said sayang..so sweet!anyway, after that when we all bathed finished the adults and ethan( my nephew) went out to buy food. then when ethan came home he ran to the study room door and started banging it. then he was like"jie!jiejie!" so touched! i wanted to cry! first time he called me jie jie so clearly without anyone!this week is so happy!!HAPPY WEEK?haha..so lame

2007-06-01T06:30:00.000-07:00

finally! today's the last day of school! the official one was last week but due to stupid extra lessons... anyway, haven't blogged for such a long time. i was so sick of my blog skin i decided to change it to something more cheerful. ok... monster attack's nothing to cheer about but it's kinda cool! the idea of a monster attacking is scary but the blog skin is so cute it makes it cheerful! ok..wth.. i'm not making any sense whatsoever...

2007-05-17T07:09:00.000-07:00

what's everyone's problem? today i fell asleep watching love at dolphin bay cause i was too tired..couldn't wake up for dinner and my sis kept yelling at me so i got pissed and glared at her.then i accidentally dropped my phone on the floor and i threw the hanger which was on the bed( i have no idea why) and my sis thought i threw the phone. i decided to not eat so i bathed but i couldn't take it so went to eat in the end. i wouldn't call it eating. got scolded again and my sis maligned me for stuff i didn't do. then i was so pissed i didn't even want to defend myself since it's always been a waste of time doing so cause they'll just change the topic and blame me for something else.
in the end i got sentenced to no more computer and confiscation of handphone.then what am i doing online? my sis actually put a password for the stupid acc and i only got access today cause i was halfway through some work.
i don't feel like talking to them anymore. it sucks to cry and eat at the same time.

2007-04-06T20:21:00.000-07:00

it's 11.15 a.m.! i just came back from the stupid methodist walk thingy... feel terrible!! actually it's fun.. joanne,clemence and melody were singing away like siao! haha!! i kinda joined in once in a while.. but it still sucks!! cause they're all at orchard and i'm blogging!! AT HOME!!
took a cab downt to orchard after the thing la.. but i still decided not to stay...later get scolded then i can never ever go again?haha.....

2007-03-30T04:57:00.000-07:00

lalala!! today is friday and i'm soooo tired! i feel like as if my brains got fried....my head hurts just of a slight thought of anything got to do with homework... stupid!!what's with the school man?made all the sec 3s go for the stupid musical... i gotta admit though.. i was really impressed by them.it was interesting for the first half an hour, like all other concerts...but it's so dead!! you hear this orchestra playing and playing..and playing.. all they do is PLAY THEIR INSTRUMENTS...gahhh.. ended so late somemore.. i went home and wanted to do a maths homework. i ended falling asleep in such a weird position cause of all the books on my bed that my knees were bent and they hurt like crap when i woke up..no.. i should say it still hurts like crap=)
wo ai bang bang tang!!!WHOOHOOO!!!=) joanne! send me the pictures we took okay?=D
k...something today made me feel like watching hana yori dango all over again so now i'm going to watch! congrats to felicia for being a prefect nominee?and good luck for tomorrow cheryl! sorry i can't be there=(

2007-03-23T08:33:00.000-07:00

WOAH!!! WO TAI HIGH LE!!! gen zhe wo shen hu xi... doesn't anyone find this a nice song?as in, if you judge by singing it'll be more like wth...but it's a happy song!! SO FREE!!!but.. i don't like the "wo ai bang bang tang! wo ai bang bang tang!" it's so lame...hurhur...

EMO POST....

2007-03-21T07:11:00.000-07:00

i think i'm a zombie... or at least i feel like one? today i almost fell asleep during emaths... as in my head almost banged against the table...omg....i'm unbelieveable:D
i really really wish i can go on the 6th...hopefully can go support cheryl on the first also.. today during full lit mrs thomsett said something about finding ourselves.we take lit so we can understand how people behave better and find out more about ourselves. i really started thinking when she said"find ourselves". have i found myself?am i like mildred?putting up an act of happiness when deep inside i'm just the opposite?i really don't know..
i think i lost myself...i get mood swings or something, i just feel bad inside... there's this numbness in me.. i don't feel pain..it just...feels bad inside..cheryl posted in her blog that she was stupid. if she was stupid, what am i?purely retarded. part of me really wants to get into things and start doing things... my brain seems to be saying so,but my legs don't follow. they stand there and glued themselves to the ground.all my i could do is use my eyes and look around. it's time to move on already. but i can't even take the first step. how do you do that?how do you take the first step?
seriously, i don't see why everyone just wants me to stay at home. they want me to be independant,yet they want me to stay at home.can't anyone make up their mind nowadays?maybe i just don't feel like taking the first step.maybe it is easy to take the first step but i just don't want to take it. i feel like a person from the society in the book fahrenheit 451. unfeeling. no. i feel more like as if i don't have a soul.I'M DEAD!
everyone wants to decide for me.i can't make a decision by myself.why?no one allows me to. like my mum. if she ask me,"do you want to eat apple or mango?"
if i say "mango", she will say,"aya..mango heaty..eat apple la"
does it sound like i'm the one making the decision?i want to learn guitar,my sis asked me to learn piano cause it's easier and she keeps saying i got no sense of rythm or whatever..come on la..you teach me to play a song, you don't play for me to hear first, i have no idea what song you're talking about.you just teach me the key and asked me to strum 8 times. that was the first time i touched the guitar. do i look like a genius?!
i wanted to learn korean, my mum asked me to learn french. why?it sounds better.korean sounds very unlady-like.we speak singlish. it's not very glam either. even if i learn french i have to wait till middle of the year or end of the year.
for the first time in my life i'm asking my mum if i can learn something.she actually said no.locking me at home won't make me study so what's the use?!i'm very tired..i'm really very very tired...the whole family is standing together against me. i definitely can't do anything. i have to get the permission from everyone. if my mum allows my sis might disagree.the only thing they agreed upon is my academic results. i'm sick of it. i'm really really very sick of it.

2007-03-20T01:31:00.000-07:00

LALALA!!!~ today we changed places! don't like the fact that i'm sitting there but hopefully i'll get used to it.i mean, it is HER i'm sitting beside..GRR..oh well... i got so many things to look forward to! i decided! life is so short. i should enjoy while i can! i'm looking forward to so many things!1st april-CSS auditions round 2!DING!DING!DING! cheryl jiayou! wo men dang ni de lala dui! wei ni jiayou!
6th april- finally evan yo will be coming to xin jia por le!!wo ke yi~pei ni qu kan xing xing~ !! rang wo men yi qi pei ta kan xing xing ba!
7th april-jolin's concert!hurhur! not like i'm going! just saying for fun!=)
8th may-DUH.. it's like... the most important day of my life... MY BIRTHDAY!! divya's birthday is on this day too! hopefully we manage to celebrate our birthday at escape theme park!i've been wanting to go there for 2-3 years!hello!! just because it's in the east everyone refuses to go?! singapore's pretty small peeps! going there won't kill ya...=)mrt is so convenient..hurhur...
13th july-dearest potter is gonna blast into cinemas.i want to watch the preview!the first ever movie releasing in singapore!!
25th july- is it 25th?divya just told me today but i forgot the date. anyway, it's harry potter book number 7! haven't researched on the book title and stuff but i'm sooo gonna buy it!! i've waited long ok! so have many around the world!let's braise ourselves!woah..hopefully dumbledore dying in the 6th book was just a gimmick! i refuse to believe he dieded +_+''' heee=)

ok! for the sake of me me and me, i have decided today is the last day i'll see those sweets,chocolates and chips... however,NO WAY am i giving up ice cream or frozen yogurt! their's the freeze in life ok!=)
i have decided to charge myself=)
tv-$1.50 per day.
com-$1 per day.
youtubing-$1 per day.
i shall find more charges to charge myself against. what do i mean?whenever i turn on the tv, $1.50 goes into my piggy bank=) i'm gonna make my piggy bank fat! save money for the guitar,laptop,harry potter book and everything else i wanna buy! since no one will buy it for me, i'll just buy it myself=)

by the way, i think SUMMER X SUMMER is pretty good ok.. ep 2 isn't that nice but it is pretty good=)hana yori dango! SWEAT HONEY! haha..so pado but nice to watch=)

today...
clare's non-logical theory...
being angry=wrinkles=old woman=)
smile for yourself and act like an idiot!why? cause people say..
nobody is perfect.since no one is perfect, being an idiot isn't such a bad idea??!haha...i'm so full of crap..

2007-03-13T23:39:00.000-07:00

ETHAN LOO.10+months old.WHAT?!he's my nephew?unbelieveable. i feel so old. i should say this is the evidence that time flies. look at him! he was so small... carefully carried by his mother in her arms.now, you can't put him on the floor or else he'll crawl sooo fast you'll have a hard time catching up.hello?i'm 15! give me a break!but no... i can't take a break!time doesn't wait for you. you have to find time to do your own things. in other words, manage your time.sigh* life is so demanding.i have to stop blogging now. so i can do my homework. see what i mean? life is demanding!!GAHH!!

2007-03-11T00:16:00.000-08:00

joanne,charmaine and i(triplets!)

top:me,grace,charmaine,cheryl,clemence
bottom:felicia,divya and joanne

top:joanne,felicia and i
bottom:cheryl,amelia and charmaine

me and charmaine

me and cheryl

me and felicia

top:melody,clemence
bottom:me,joanne (MCJC)

joanne,me and cheryl

me and joanne

top:me,cheryl,shu en and grace
bottom:felicia and joanne
friends.what will i do without them?sometimes when get very fustrated about things, i think about my happy-go-lucky friends.they seem to have this immense power which blocks away anything which will make them depressed.they seem to have this key which opens a door to paradise. the key that everyone is looking for.to me, i think that they themselves are the key. a group of people who unlocks each other,bringing out the fun in each other.
think about it. will you ever go wild and crazy infront of your parents like you do infront of your friends?can you go high without your friends?i know i can't.
maybe it's just me. maybe it's everyone.i just hope that we'll stay friends forever!go out in big groups! eat sakae sushi,go k box..run wild!!

2007-03-10T05:49:00.000-08:00

haha!!! these images are so funny! got it from cheryl's blog.. get it?

first post for this blog!i'm feeling orange!no.. i drank so much orange juice today, hopefully i won't start turning orange!anyway, today is the first day of the march holidays! don't feel that heppy though.. woke up at 2pm, lazed on my bed for an hour(i was observing my room and feeling the messyness in it)..i got up... brushed teeth!huh! ok! i tell you a secret ok? i never brushed my teeth on march holidays unless i needed to go out.ooops* so dirty..haha...

ok.. anyway, woke up.. devoured noodles(lao shu fen) my mum bught for me then went to turn on the computer and here i am!i've been on the com since 3.30pm?and it's 9.54pm now..so late!! i was watching ouran high host club ep 1-4 just now before talking to melody.melody was watching corner with love which reminded me that i haven't watched that! so i went search and TOOT*!!! i couldn't access youtube!! i was still watching the last part of ouran so i watched finish it before trying with that window but i still couldn't! so i decided to umm.. create a blog.. i can't believe i took so long to create a blog.. i'm a loser=(haha..so saddening! i don't think i can join css! my mum doesn't allow! oh well.. i'll ask again one day...